my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
