I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
