I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
