i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize