Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You're like the curious george of whores
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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