On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
