the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.