my professor just said "the power of the situation"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?