The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
