Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
