that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
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No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
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you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in