Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I am one with the molecules
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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