Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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