Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
