Are we in a gay sports bar?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize