I think my vagina is haunted
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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