When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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