I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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