just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.