I love black thongs
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?