so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing