I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
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I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
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Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.