I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.