I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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