Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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