Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
love makes seman taste better
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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