You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
