I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
