Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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