Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
