if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
