Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just cut my nipple shaving
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We need to get me chipped asap
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
