1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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