i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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