that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
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Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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