Plan B is the new Plan A
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We just shotgunned beers for America
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
