my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.