I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You've changed since you got that strap on