i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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