Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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