Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
