Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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