I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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