I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
