i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
