The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
