I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
