No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
