What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Someone shattered a urinal.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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