Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's rum buckets o'clock
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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