I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.