it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
