I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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