these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.