I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.