I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
